With the passing of a dear one we grieve. Our hearts are heavy and we feel we cannot go on. We cannot imagine life without them. We are overcome with the loss. We may experience a range of emotions or be suspended in our grief or anger. We may stay busy in order to push away the feelings, or feel consumed by the feelings, unable to move forward.
In time, slowly, we can begin to feel more of a sense of balance. We are both comforted by our memories and saddened by the emptiness of the future without the loved one. Allowing for our tears, holding them close to our hearts, we feel some relief, we are comforted.
Our capacity to grieve has at its roots the experiences of loss that we had as a child. If our environment was a safe place within which to seek support, we may have found comfort in our father’s arms or loving words nestled close to our mother. However, if our parents contracted around their loss or our loss (the family dog died, grandma died, our favorite friend moved away) then we were given few opportunities to feel our sadness, ask our questions and receive tenderness. Without being shown the tools for coping with impermanence we would be left alone to interpret our loss and sorrow, we would almost surely feel a sense of loneliness.
Within a community of family and friends the burden of our grief can be held. We can share stories of the happiness and numerous experiences that the loved one brought to our lives. Through ritual and ceremony we can laugh, even with the tears, we can smile and remember the joy. Our emotions shift, because they too, are impermanent. We simply could not bear the weight of ongoing grief, and continuous grieving is not a way to celebrate the life of the loved one. To hold on to grief is to unnecessarily burden ourselves. With the support we give ourselves and each other, we can transform the grief, we can incorporate the loss, we can see clearly the numerous blessings in our lives.
We are a culture that holds on to the past and lives for the future. It is therefore a challenge for us to live in the present moment. When we begin to realize that the present is all we truly have, we see that the past is not a place we can go to. Our mind simply remembers, in the present moment, and we are in the present moment with our memories. Likewise the future is nothing we arrive at, the future is simply thoughts our mind gives us, right here in the present moment. Those thoughts don’t change the future, nor influence the future they are simply thoughts, here in the present moment.
Knowing that are lives are finite, that our lives consist continuously of impermanent elements we seek to transform our sorrow. We can understand that feelings of grief and loss are an integral part of healing. As our healing continues, we gain the experience of peace of mind and happiness. The loved one is carried with us as we enjoy the ocean, the stars, the smiles on each other’s faces and all the blessings that surround us |
